Monday, 9 February 2009

Let Love Not Cause A Scene – Words Of Advice For The Modern Gentleman

Editor's Note: Presented is another of the Squire's "inspirational guides for sound living" as he was wont to term them. This time, the man himself turns his attention to thorny subject of the opposite sex.

As is common knowledge around the bedrooms and boudoirs of this fair capital city, I am widely known by the ladies as something of a sexual mastodon. I'm not one to blow my own trumpet (why in blue blazes would I when there are so many willing and keen trumpet players out there?) – my actions speak far louder than words ever could. I was, however, reminded of the less fortunate when I recently encountered my one of my cousins, Wentbridge Kirk, at a minor social gathering. I was in the midst of softening up a game old bird (sometimes the older filly can give a chap quite a run for the money between the sheets) when the familial type sidled up to me and made his, frankly, rather limp presence known. I excused myself from the buxom wench and greeted old Wentbridge.

"What ho, Wenters," hallooed I. "How fares it, cousin of mine?"

"Not so good, old fruit, not so good. I... I could do with some advice."

"Advice?" I enquired warily, as this sort of thing tends to lead to the lending of money.

"Yes, well, it''s a bit...the thing is...", he stammered.

"Spit it out, The Cousin," hurried I, "I've got a randy duchess on the go here and I don't want the old dame getting cold."

"Well, that's just it, old sock. You're quite the man with the ladies." (The youth had a point.) "You seem to always know what to do and what to say. You know, with women. And so forth."

I looked on the poor wet blanket with a mixture of pity and more pity. I took him to one side and dispensed a few sage words of gentlemanly advice to help set the poor damp squib on the path of righteousness. As he set off with a purposeful look in his watery eyes, it set me to wondering. Firstly, it set me wondering how that wet lettuce came to be related to me but secondly, and most importantly, it made me realise that there must be many chaps out there like young Wenters who were adrift on the seas of life and could do with someone to give them a bit of a compass bearing. So with that in mind, I decided to set forth a few pointers to the uninitiated hoping to emulate the good Squire's success with the ladies. And here it is.

1. Don't Be Ugly
– I cannot stress this enough. Women hate ugly men. That much is a fact. If you're a deformed, hair-sprouting, wart-ridden travesty of nature, please don't read any further. Any advice I give you cannot overcome the bum hand that nature has dealt you. Stick to reading books. Or any sort of indoor activity that doesn't inflict your hideous visage upon an unsuspecting populace, really.

2. Facial Decoration – There is much to be said for a fine set of gentleman's whiskers. A particularly lustrous pair of moustaches can reduce even the coldest of fillies to a quivering mass. However, due care and attention should always be taken over one's lip warmers. Always use the finest of pomades – I myself prefer Kirk's Old Luxuriant (which is, coincidentally, widely available from many a fine moustache and beard emporium).

3. The Stance Of Assurance – A gentleman's general bearing and countenance has much impact on his way with the women. If you are slouched or slumped like a common footman, then quite rightly you will be the object of much derision from the fairer sex. A gentleman holds himself erect and looks rather like he is about to thrash you roundly for your insolence. These things attract a lady much in the same way that gin attracts the lower classes.

4. Manners Maketh The Man – Deference, gentility and courtliness are all fine qualities which a young lady seeks in a young man. They should not be ignored; at the same time, they should not be employed to the detriment of my next point.

5. Air Of Superiority – Manners may make the man but a careful sense of arrogance truly does separate the men from the boys. Not only knowing your own mind but theirs also is something that cannot fail to impress – women's minds are naturally smaller and they have very little wish to clutter them with unnecessary information that will push out vital facts about embroidery and suchlike.

6. A Leer's As Good As A Wink To A Flirty Filly – If it looks like the lassie is a responsive little minx, don't be afraid to drop her a quick lecherous leer or a salacious wink. They love it, the dirty little hussies.

Obviously, it's hard to distil the essence of the sexual colossus that is your humble Squire into an easily followed set of instructions. Nature has blessed some of us with more than others and there's only so much that advice can do to try and rectify that. These are merely a few gentle pointers to set you on the path to rollicking rumpy-pumpy with buxom beauties. Remember, if at first you don't succeed, you may be ugly so it's probably best to stop trying altogether and have a bit of a sit down in the dark.

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