Tuesday, 3 February 2009
Ten Step Plan For Immortality – An Instructional Guide
Editor's Note:- As well as remarkable tales of his many exploits, Squire Kirk was known to write essays and treatises on a wide variety of subjects, one of which is reproduced below for your edification.
Presented here below, in ten easily digestible steps, is my guide to prolonging your lifespan past that of one normally expected and maybe even further than that.
Step The First - Pleasures of the Flesh
Now, I know many of you may scoff, harrumph and pshaw at this but to that I say fie! Tish and fie! There is no finer way for a gentleman to spend his time than in having a quick tumble with a fine buxom wench. And, if you are a fine buxom wench, there can be no nobler cause than to give yourself up for a quick tumble with a gentleman (and maybe also with a gentleman's other lady friend, too). The life extending powers of the sheer act of naughty bedtime fun cannot be overstated.
Step The Second - The Way Of Onan
Do not despair if you cannot find a fine buxom wench to share the pleasures of your gentleman's boudoir. The key to successful wooing always begins at home – and if you can't woo yourself, how can you be expected to court the attention of the fine fillies? While not as life-enhancing as fleshly pleasures with others, don't be afraid to lavish upon yourself the love which you would spend upon others.
Step The Third - Quaff, Quaff, Quaff
A stout ale, a fine wine and a superior Cognac are all part of a gentleman's healthy daily routine. They promote a healthy glow and sheen to the skin (particularly in the nasal area) and are signs of a long-lived happy life. So raise your cup and quaff! Quaff, blast-your-eyes!
Step The Fourth - Serfing
A fine and noble English tradition, the beating of your social and intellectual inferiors with a sound birch switch (or "serfing") promotes a healthy body and a healthy mind. It not only energises the body and keep the mind sharp and alert, it also performs the vital social function of keeping the great unwashed very firmly in their place.
Step The Fifth - Mammalian Massacre
Riding roughshod o'er hill and dale and ruthlessly massacring small mammals, birds and peasants that litter the wayside is an Englishman's prerogative, damn-your-hide, and I'll not be convinced otherwise. There is nothing like the blood of small creatures splashing over boots and britches for getting the circulation pumping. Marvellous.
Step The Sixth - Pleasures Of The Flesh, Part The Second
Once you have the circulation properly pumping after slaughtering your small animals, there's no finer way to keep the constitution bolstered than by feasting on their roasted flesh. Preferably, when cooked to perfection, the flesh should still have a good smattering of blood throughout - the vital juices being good for the spleen and liver and furthering an iron constitution.
Step The Seventh - A Good Stout Pipe
Smoking. Smoking, smoking, smoking. Not only does it give a chap an air of quiet dignity and refinement but it tastes and smells divine. A man's pipe is his right, his prerogative and his key to a long and healthy life. It aids the digestion and should always be lit after a particularly satisfying meal.
Step The Eighth - A Gentlemanly Wager
Gambling has long been pilloried as a disgraceful sin and vice. The truth of the matter is, of course, that a fine wager (be it cards, racing or good old fashioned back street dog fighting) is the sport of kings. The swell and surge of excitement in the manly breast helps to promote a healthy and vigorous outlook.
Step The Ninth - Pleasures Of The Flesh, Part The Third
To be perfectly frank, yes, this is the same point as Step The First but it is a point that needs careful reiteration.
Step The Tenth - Do Not Die
It may seem somewhat flippant but the surest way to guarantee a long and healthy life is to refuse to give in to the cold and skeletal embrace of the Grim Reaper. Personally, I have no intention of giving in and, if the Reaper so desires me, he shall find me raising a merry old hullaballo on the way, make no mistake about it. No, Death shall not claim me easily, for I am singular of mind and strong in body and purpose. On that, my good people, you can depend.
Editor's Note:- Squire Kirk was 34 when he disappeared.